Paul's Daily Grind

Paul's Axe to Grind

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 18:25:52 -0400

Barry Bonds gets one count of Obstruction Of Justice. Rest of counts are a Hung Jury. I don’t care. I just want this evil man to suffer in court for the rest of his days. Drain his banks, drain his life, drain his career. How can you cheat and take away the most cherished record in all of sports ?! Hank Aaron is a shining beacon of hope to all those kids who work hard - to all those kids who never give up - to all those kids who don’t cheat and take short cuts. What does Barry Bonds stand for - make sure you get a trainer who will accept bribes ?! Get a trainer who will accept money NOT to testify ?! C’mon !! It’s clear as crystal that he is guilty as sin. Why would your trainer stay in jail and not tell the truth ?! Because he likes the food ?! I don’t care if Bonds is found guilty or innocent. I want his record tarnished, I want him to never ever get anywhere NEAR the hall of fame, and I want him to regret what he did so badly, that on his death bed he will tell an FBI Agent that he was indeed guilty and a scumbag all along.

Oprah got it twisted, and once again Tina Fey gets up in my craw. Just because she has a book out, a movie coming out, and a tv show airing on NBC, she gets to be part of an SNL Reunion special with Oprah ?! Really ? You were on Weekend Update and played Sarah Palin. How does that make you special over 36 years of programming ? It doesn’t. Yet for some reason, everyone drools over Tina Fey, because she was the first female head writer of the program, during their worst years ever. The critics and audience moaned about how bad SNL was during the Tina Fey years, oh but Jimmy Fallon is cute next to her and they make a great couple. Wow. Really? Dennis Miller, I understand - he made the news his own and got his unique style of comedy in there to make it all worthwhile. Chevy Chase, the first ever to do it, and still has the best ending line - “I”m Chevy Chase - and your not” - in fact - Tina Fey was so benign, she literally took Jane Curtain’s goodbye line from the news - and she is the head writer ?!?! Why is this lady worshiped so much ?!
    Not only that - but Tina Fey is very loyal to her people - and so she drags on her co-star, Tracy Morgan for the SNL Reunion. He was in the show - wasn’t he ? No one really knows, but we all do know that he was no where near to being significant to the show, at all. So why is he on? Tina Fey wants him on. Oh, ok, whatever.
    For an SNL Reunion - you want to spread the years and make sure you hit the pillars of the show. Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase, Dan Akroyd, Jane Curtain, Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Mike Myers, Will Farrell, Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler and maybe Dennis Miller, who made the news relevant again after it was driven to the ground for so many years.
    Oprah, this list is the SNL Reunion - not your Tina Fey love-fest. You got it twisted.

Paul's Daily Grind

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 18:28:24 -0500

A Women was held in custody today for duct taping her toddler. When asked why she did it, she responded “because I couldn’t find any chains”

A Staten Island 5th grade choir will perform at this year’s Academy Awards - because let’s face it - they have to be better then James Franco.

Lady Gaga has the fastest selling single in ITunes history. “Born This Way” sold 1 million copies in only 5 days. No one has ever done that before, and no one has ever arrived at an event in a giant egg before, either.

Famed bar Coyote Ugly is all set to reopen after being shut down earlier in the week for numerous health code violations. Apparently bras aren’t supposed to go in the soup.

John Gosselin, father of the John and Kate Plus 8 reality fiasco has finally found himself a job. After months of unemployment, he is now working construction in PA. He said he can’t wait to start constructing another freak family as soon as possible, because this labor thing is killing him.

Jennifer Beals, the star of the 80’s hit movie Flashdance, has turned down Dancing With The Stars. When asked why she said not only was everything mostly a body double anyway - but she just doesn’t weld as much as she used to either.

Paul's Daily Grind

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 17:53:11 -0500

Guitarist Slash has recently been hit with the giving spirit. He is all set to auction off his corvette for charity and, judging by his horrendous half time show at the Super Bowl - he also sold his manhood.

A 22 year study in Ecuador has revealed that dwarfs are genetically resistant to cancer and diabetes. In other words, in addition to granting wishes, they will also soon rule the Earth.

Whoopi Goldberg apologized to the The NY Times for calling their Oscar article “shoddy reporting”. Apparently the article mentioned the words “black” and “Oscar winners” together and Whoopi automatically thought she was left out and stepped over. Silly Whoopi, reading is for kids.

Michael Vick cancelled his Oprah interview, saying he had to see a man about a dog.

IPads are now replacing menus, where diners can create their own order and place it, all by using the IPad at their table. And waiters think they have it tough now ! Wait until they are replaced by an IPad !!

A Scottish Deerhound scored Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show recently. Judges say it was between him and Britney Spears.

A Florida mother who shot and killed her teenage children for talking back pleaded not guilty the other day. In her statement to the judge she said: “Honestly your honor, I thought they were already dead when they were talking back to me”

Brooklyn Decker, in Adam Sandler’s new movie “Just Go With It” proves once again, just because your pretty, doesn’t mean you can act. Sorry. You were great to look at for the first 5 minutes, the rest is just torture.

Paul's Daily Grind

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:46:05 -0500

The IMF (International Monetary Fund) calls for a dollar alternative - Mmmm, how about crayons ?

Rihanna will be lip synching at the NBA All-Star game this year, but unfortunately her ex-beau Chris Brown won’t be attending. So she’ll have to pay another male acquaintance to punch her in the face.

Guitar Hero, True Crime and Tony Hawk games are all canceled by Activision. That means no more skateboarding in the house, or rocking out in the house, unless you really want to do those things like, for real.

The Apple IPad 2 is now in production, with lots of promised improvements, for example this time it can actually turn into a women’s menstrual device.

The NYSE could be gone forever, being bought by Germany’s Deutsche Boerse, ending New York’s reign as the financial capital of the world. So now, if you should ever want to cash in your 401K, you’ll have to kill 3 Jews, stab a Russian in the back and start a war.

Lindsay Lohan strolled into court wearing a very striking and sexy all white super tight dress. She looked like a million dollars, but will have to give some of that money back to pay for everything she stole.

A CT party mom from Old Greenwich has admitted that she has indeed partied with QB Mark Sanchez, and even gave him her 17 yr old daughter. Hey, a family that plays together, stays together, right ?

The Ricky Martin tour might be done already. With a week of sales and not a single sold out venue, it looks like Ricky Martin might face the same fate as Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson and Rihanna, and that would be a cancelled tour. Funny, because Prince had to add a 5th day to his tour dates at MSG. Hmm, I wonder why. Recession ? No. Talent ? Yes. The Purple One proves once again, even at 52 years old - if you have talent, and can play, they will come.

Playboy Bunny Taylor Corley was officially removed from her cheerleading squad in Mississippi State. The coaches informed her, Look - it’s either a million dollar modeling career, or this college cheerleading thing - we can’t let you do both. Ouch, tough coaches out there. That’ll show her !!

Paul's Daily Grind

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 20:07:00 -0500

Michelle Obama is so elated that her husband has quit smoking. Yes President Obama has quit smoking, now if he could just stop peeing in the sink.

A Pregnant woman was accidentally given an abortion drug, in Colorado. The nurse simply stated - who wants to raise a kid in this economy anyway.

The Catholic push for more nuns has reached places no one ever thought of. When nuns came knocking on Charlie Sheen’s door, you know they’re struggling.

Medal Of Honor recipient Sal Giunta has decided not to re-sign with the Armed Forces - when asked he said - “are you nutz ?! I almost got killed out there!! I might be brave but I’m not stupid”

Aretha Franklin stated that she feels “Absolutely Super” before her Grammy tribute next week. The Grammy Awards will pay a musical tribute to her, as well as sending her literally, a ton of chocolate.

Rumsfeld defended his handling of the Iraq War by saying - well, you know, I mean, uh - they told me to do it!

An Illegal Immigrant was allegedly forced to leave a hospital in Texas recently. The Doctors said he had to go, because he was hurt and needed an illegal doctor.

List of most ordered hotel movies are out - Blind Side was #1, followed by Couples Retreat and then Date Night. That explains why those people don’t have families.

Experts have assured us, that Egypt is not another Iran - we’ll just be occupying their country for a few years, like usual, that’s all.

Paul's Daily Grind

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 17:00:09 -0500

There will be no cheerleaders at the Super Bowl this year, NFL officials said. We want to give Big Ben a fair chance to keep his head in the game.

Lindsay Lohan says she’s not worried at all about facing prosecution over alleged jewel theft. “As long as I have my bag of coke - bring on the world”, the starlet said.

Kate Moss is set to wed this summer, her husband said he always wanted a lamp post for a wife.

High blood pressure, and obesity are linked to memory loss, scientists say. So if you can’t remember if you ate that twinkie - eat another one just to be sure.

Whoopi Goldberg has confessed to being a “functional addict” in a recent report, saying “how do you think my hair got this way?”

A Category 5 cyclone is hurling through Australia causes destruction to whatever it touches. Australians are mystified by it because like their toilet water, the wind is going counter clockwise.

Producers of Britney Spears new record Femme Fatale are again saying the record is not done, She didn’t write any songs, she doesn’t sing on it and has a body double for her video. Basically, nothing about Britney Spears has anything to do with Britney Spears. Why were we so mad at Milli Vanilli when Britney’s been doing the same thing ?

Flight cancellations are up to 16,000 since Monday because of the horrible weather. Airlines said this could make them bump up their prices, if there were numbers that went that up that high.

Paul's Daily Grind

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:08:56 -0500

An American General in the US Military has declared that the Taliban is far from defeated - “in fact, I got one of them painting my house right now”

Wall Street Journal did a survey on the days when you can buy cheap airline tickets. That day turned out to be, never.

Al Gore has stepped up and said that all this snow does not disprove Global Warming - it’s just taking some days off.

PGA rookie Brendan Steele told reporters that Tiger Woods “mailed it in” on Sunday at Torre Pines. After the statement Tiger turned around and said - “and how many championships have you won?”

Lindsay Lohan is being investigated for jewelry theft - when confronted she said - “why would I steal ? It’s not like I’m a coked up crazy bitch or anything”

Elton John bashed Billy Joel for not writing music anymore. He told Billy to go to a real rehab center to get his life back in order, and make more beautiful music. Billy Joel responded - what a fag.

Happy Groundhog Day ! Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous groundhog of all, has predicted an early spring, Thank God. He then turned around and did the dance to Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies.

Newt Gingrich has said America is losing the war on terror - Yea - is it because your not in office, Newt? Figures.

Hugh Jackman has confessed that he eats 6,000 calories a day - most of it crocodile.

More then 700 people were injured in the most recent Egyptian riots - and 12 falafel stands were broken.

Britney Spears has sunk so low, that now a Director has admitted to using a body double for Spears in her new music video ! So, she’s a singer/dancer who doesn’t play an instrument, can’t read music, doesn’t do her own dancing, and doesn’t do her own singing - why can’t I have her job !!

Fox Health has listed 6 things that zaps your memory - amazingly all of them were stupidity.

Paul's Daily Grind

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 16:12:57 -0500

Pres. Obama asked Egyptian dictator Mubarak not to seek re-election. Mubarak responded by saying: “Ok, but can I still keep my falafel stand?”

Weird Al has written a children’s book entitled “When I Grow Up” - critics called it, well, weird.

A lost jungle tribe has been discovered in the forests of Brazil. Oddly enough, their leader is Christopher Walken.

Snooki revealed that she would rather sleep with Pres. Bush, rather then Pres. Obama. When asked for their reply, both men said they’d rather shoot themselves in the head.

Police will be on high alert for Sex Trafficking this week before the Super Bowl. Why don’t they just arrest Charlie Sheen now, and save everyone the trouble ?

One of the Cake Bosses is dead at 63. People in the show were shocked at the death. Yea, maybe it was the gallons of butter, shortening, lard and cake that did him in. Ya think ?

Lady Gaga has said she wants her new perfume to smell like blood and semen, just like she does.

Ron Jeremy is debuting his premium Rum drink entitled Ron De Jeremy. With every bottle there will be a small puke bucket, just in case.

Top 3 Most Desirable Women - Sofia Vergara, Mila Kunis and Blake Lively. I wish I knew who any of these women were.

Top 3 Lease Desireable - Khloe Kardashian, Snooki and number one, Sarah Palin. Figures that I would know all of these names.

Fake Blueberries found in most foods you buy. Funny, I ran into a tomato the other day and he was like “sorry pal - I’m a blueberry” Why would produce lie like that ?!

Paul's Daily Grind

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 16:48:46 -0500

An American Jet had to make an emergency landing in Jamaica yesterday. The Pilot said, “Whenever you run out of weed, it’s an emergency”.

Taco Bell is fighting the lawsuit about no meat being in their “taco filling”. To counter-attack, the company took out full page ads stating - of course we use real beef - where do you think the Chihuahua went ?

Cruise lines are avoiding Egypt during the riots, claiming they’ll just not bathe for a week, throw sand in people’s faces and show pics of pyramids instead.

A 31 year old Colardo teacher and her 16 year old male student were caught naked in a car with Vodka bottles surrounding them. Naturally when asked what she was doing, she said “teaching anatomy”.

A 5 year old boy dropped a loaded handgun during his music class, in Florida the other day. When confronted the boy said he had to drop the gun, because he couldn’t play his flute recorder and hold the gun at the same time.

Women sues Diddy for 1 trillion dollars - saying he owes her child support, assaulted and broke one of her children’s leg, and - get this - for bringing down the Twin Towers. Yikes. Obviously he could not have done all that, he was too busy annoying us with his stupid rap songs.

Paul's Daily Grind

Thu, 27 Jan 2011 18:51:04 -0500

Charlie Sheen has been hospitalized with acute abdominal pain. Doctors say it could be something the whores gave him.

Boy George has announced he will be reuniting with Culture Club. Asked why he said the world doesn’t have enough gay things in it.

The Girl Scout Council says they are cutting back on the types of cookies they will sell. Also, to save money, the dresses will be half the length and some of the girls will take turns in the middle east as paid “tour guides”.

East Coast winter storms leave 4 dead and thousands without power. Someone get Al Gore on the phone please.

Social Security fund will now run a deficit every year until it runs out in 2037. Thank you Uncle Sam, you truly are useless.

Mental health hits a new low for college freshmen. Yes, now they all are truly fucked up.

Graceland has unveiled new exhibits this year. The Dancing Penis Exhibit seems to be a huge hit already.

Sony has just unveiled a new portable Playstation console, because kids just aren’t distracted enough every single minute of their day.

Karl Rove says Rep. Paul Ryan’s plans for the future make tons more sense then what President Obama mapped out in his State Of The Union Address. Karl Rove then went on to say, and you should listen to me, because I am Satan himself.

Colts QB Peyton Manning named most powerful athlete, even though he loses all the time, and unlike everyone else, it is directly his fault.

Paul's Daily Grind

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 18:16:55 -0500

First - I now officially hate snow.

A hawk that was trapped in the Library of Congress was finally captured yesterday. Officials were thankful the Conservancy of Virginia was able to pull the bird in, because John McCain had already suited up with a machine gun and a machete.

Justin Bieber and Ozzy to star in a Super Bowl Ad - Ozzy is reported to bite off his head.

Will Smith is remaking Annie for his little girl Willow to star in. It’s the Black Annie - Blannie.

John Travolta has agreed to play the new york mobster, John Gotti. When asked why he took the role, Travolta said he just didn’t feel like he was hated enough.

Protesters were protesting against not being able to protest in Cairo, Egypt on Wednesday. Yes, you read correctly. Protesters were protesting against it being illegal to protest. I think living in a desert finally fried their brains.

Vince Neil sentenced to 15 days in jail for drunk driving near the Las Vegas strip. Do they really think jail is punishment for the lead singer of Motley Cure ?! IF they wanna punish the guy, make him party with Nikki Sixx again. Jail is like cocktail hour to this band. Make him sit in church for an hour.

Paul's Daily Grind

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:19:47 -0500

US Army says suicides are up in 2010 to almost one per day. Can you blame them? They are getting attacked by enemies from the front, and by gays from the back !!

Jersey Shore season 4 is going to Italy. Good, now they can annoy them too.

Taco Bell is being sued for their definition of “Beef”. Tacos are made with substance known as “taco filling”, not “beef”. Lawsuit claims only 36% of their “taco filling” is beef, putting them far below the USDA Standard to qualify as even being meat. Of course, Mexicans see nothing wrong with this and say the meat truly is mexican cuisine.

The Flying Pig food truck is suing porn legend Ron Jeremy claiming he had no idea a porn was being made in his truck - he thought it was just a “romantic film”. He became suspicious after seeing a donkey and two midgets enter the truck and extra Special Sauce left in his containers.

Flavor Flav opening up a fried chicken restaurant called FFC. He said he would have made grilled chicken, but he couldn’t keep the gold teeth on the pieces of chicken.

Profit margins at 8 of the biggest airlines are the highest in at least a decade. Airlines are saying next they will charge you a fee for each shoe.

The race is on for Super Bowl hotel rooms. Brett Favre has bought a room he won’t be using, if you don’t mind framed posters of his penis in every room.

Mark Wahlberg was passed over for a Best Actor Oscar nod for his film, The Fighter. When asked his thoughts he just said - who’s Oscar and why is he nodding.

Paul's Daily Grind

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 20:58:17 -0500

Oprah revealed yesterday that she indeed has a half sister, but she ate her.

Brazil flood toll now tops 800 people - the Brazilian Government announced national swimming lessons for everyone so this kind of thing doesn’t happen again.

Staten Island Councilman James Oddo told the NY Post - “it took 8 - 12 years for us to add one left-handed turning lane, how are all these bicycle lanes popping up so quickly ?!” Uh, it’s called work, Councilman. You should try it, people seem to love it.

40% of women are saying that social networking media are causing them to jump into the sack with partners much faster then they would have before Facebook, texting and Twitter. If you have money, that number goes up to 80%.

Piano prodigy Lang Lang played a Chinese favorite anti-American propaganda song while playing at the White House last week. When the President was asked about this he simply said - “i thought he was playing chopsticks”

Jack LaLanne died at 96 the other day. He was the first man to introduce jumping jacks to the masses and also how to look really gay in a unitard.

Lawmakers in Arkansas and New York are targeting pedestrians who are distracting themselves with IPods, phones, and texting. Officials say public sex is perfectly okay, as long as they can watch.

Italian scientists claim to have successfully developed a cold fusion reactor that produces 12,400 watts of heat power per 400 watts of input. If harnessed, cold fusion could provide cheap and limitless energy with no radioactive byproduct or massive carbon emissions. They did that and made fresh pizza for everyone, so that was nice.

Paul's Daily Grind

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 17:54:57 -0500

Author Amy Chua recently claimed that Chinese moms are superior to all other moms. She said she gave birth to her daughter while standing on her head and solving calculus problems while cooking Moo Shu Pork for her husband.

The largest U.S. Mob sweep in history lead to 110 arrests the other day. The city now has no idea who’s gonna pick up the garbage in NJ.

Taco Bell pulled their ads from MTV’s new show “Skins” - saying they don’t want Mexicans acting that way, the idea is to NOT get deported.

The Brazilian Government announced they are creating a Disaster Prevention System - just a tad bit late, don’t ya think ?

Walt Disney Company revealed a new Disney Dream Ship that will hold 2,500 passengers and will dock in Port Canaveral, Fla. When asked what will be on that ship, a Disney Rep said ” a ton of expensive, useless things that kids will beg their parents for”

Cameron Diaz revealed that she went to high school with Snoop Dogg, and she may have even bought weed from him - ” I really don’t know” she said. We know Cameron - they all the look the same to you.

Melissa Etheridge will be replacing Billie Joe of Green Day in his musical American Idiot - when asked why she wanted to play a boy’s part - she said it would fulfill her every fantasy. I’m sure - in more ways then we could ever imagine.

Ricky Gervais defended his raunchy Golden Globes jokes by simply saying - “I’m a comedian you idiots !”

Former ESPN announce Ron Franklin is suing ESPN over being fired by sexually berating a female colleague. Said Franklin - “I thought I was talking about sports when I commented on her amazing breasts and ass! I used the word touchdown, how is that not appropriate?”

A new study shows that internet porn has increased the times men masturbate by 500% !! So for all you women who think men just jerk off all day - your right ! Literally, that’s what we’re doing.

Dolly Parton turns 65 today, her breasts turned 8. Congrats and Happy Birthday to all of them.

Paul's Daily Grind

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 20:05:08 -0500

Rep. Steve Cohen, D-Tenn., compared Republican attacks on the health care overhaul to Nazi lies that lead to the Holocaust. I must say that Mr. Cohen is a jew himself, and said he knows all about the “can you stick your head in and see if the oven is warm yet” trick.

Pres. Obama pressed Chinese President Hu to revalue it’s poor market and it’s currency. “Also,” President Obama said “could you do something about Scallion Pancakes - they’re not really pancakes and they are confusing on a menu”

US Military leaders gathered Wednesday and talked about maybe giving soldiers a 6 month supply of psychotropic drugs before going into the field of battle, is a bad idea. Really ? The drugs cause anxiety, violent behavior and an increase in impulsivity. Maybe we shouldn’t give it to the guys who carry the machine guns, huh ? How about just the gays - let them freak out for a while. “should I shoot him? Wait - what if he likes me?”

Playboy will soon appear on the IPad - with a website powered by Bondi Digital. It won’t be an App per say - but I’m sure your penis won’t mind. When asked what an IPad was, Hugh Hefner shook his head and said “I know I’m old, but I don’t use those - I let Crystal buy what she needs for that time of the month”

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was able to stand on her own two feet today, Doctors are optimistic, saying that’s more then she’s ever accomplished in Congress all year.

A Colorado woman said she was busy on Facebook when her infant son drowned in the bathtub in the next room. “I was only on for a second - I was giving a thumbs up to a Good Parenting page.”

Paul's Daily Grind

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:10:37 -0500

Congrats to the Jets for making it this far. For the celebration, the front office gave Rex Ryan a year subscription to the website Toes R Us.com

Scientists warned officials that California could very well be hit with a “Superstorm”. This storm could flood a quarter of the state’s homes and cause $400 billion worth of damage. Over 100 scientists say this storm can last 40 days and dump over 10 feet of water onto the state. When the press told Gov. Jerry Brown this he simply asked - “yes, but will the weed survive?”

A 7.2 earthquake recently rocked Pakistan. “Thank god we don’t have any buildings or tall structures or they would have come down” one local man said. Another man said “All we have is rock. How can you destroy rock?”.

Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple has confirmed he has taken a medical leave, but will remain the CEO. When asked what was wrong Mr. Jobs said “Nothing major - they just have to keep me from dying”

At 79, and after 28 years, Regis Philbin has announced he is retiring from his morning show “Regis and Kelly”. When he was done answering questions from the press he promptly stated - “why am I here again?”

Aretha Franklin has tapped Halle Berry to play her when they begin shooting her biopic. Ms. Berry said it would be an honor to eat nothing but twinkies for 8 months to bulk up for the role of such a legend.

Paul's Daily Grind

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 16:08:44 -0500

Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has announced she is virtually canceling the virtual fence project along the Southwest border of the United States. When asked why, she said her Avatar was still busy playing Farmville.

After four years in development, IBM unleashed Watson, their newest supercomputer who can understand human language and answer just about anything. Watson was recently pitted against Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter in Jeopardy and beat them both. The computer apparently mopped the floor with the humans completely answering all questions in the first round, leaving the guys with 0 points. When Alex Trebek was asked for his opinion of this phenomenon, he said - “I think she made a pass at me”

A jury in Springfield, Mass. acquitted a gun fair organizer in the death of an 8 year old boy who accidentally shot himself in the head with an Uzi submachine gun. The man said in his defense, “The boy gave me his Elmo doll and told me he was 21 !!”

According to myfoxmemphis.com, 86 students are currently pregnant at Frayser High School this year. Experts say the reason for this unbelievably high number of teen pregnancies was probably unprotected sex.

An Alzheimer’s explosion is predicted in the year 2050, although no one can remember why.

Aretha Franklin is vehemently denying the report that she has pancreatic cancer - she said she’s just really really fat.

The Vatican has set May 1 as the date for Pope John Paul II’s beautification. I hate to say it, but they are wasting their time. Nothing can make that man beautiful.

Paul's Daily Grind

Thu, 13 Jan 2011 15:40:56 -0500

Why do white pregnant 16 year old girls get their own show on MTV, but black pregnant 16 year old girls go on Maury Povich ?

Rihanna finally changed her hair style - she said she was sick of that female faux hawk and wanted something manlier.

AJ from The Backstreet Boys and the Homeless Man with the Golden Voice will both be entering rehab very soon. When a counselor asked which one was the Backstreet Boy - they both raised their hands.

When told about his rapping son, Chet Haze, Tom Hanks replied, What’s rap ?

Kate Hudson is pregnant with the baby of Muse front man Matthew Bellamy - so that’s two rock star’s babies she has now - I think she’s taking her Penny Lane role a little too seriously. Kate - it was a movie - you don’t have to keep bonking rock stars anymore !!

Senator of Texas, Kay Hutchison says she will not run for re-election in 2012. When asked why, she said; “Are you kidding ? Texas has 5 times more guns then Arizona does, and looked what happened to Gabby !!”

A toy salesman in Indonesia has admitted to raping 96 boys, police said Thursday. His favorite game ? Pull My Penis.

TBS has announced that when you count DVR ratings, Conan is on top by far. TBS officials stated: “At these ratings, Conan will be on the air forever. Or, until Jay Leno wants the job.”

Paul's Daily Grind

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 22:08:58 -0500

7 years ago today, Mark Zuckerberg registered thefacebook.com site. What did you do 7 years ago beside fart on the couch ?

For all you New Yorkers, Winter Restaurant Week begins here in the city, Jan. 24. That means you get 3 course lunches for $24, and high quality spit in your food for free !

Dine and Ditch arrests are up 20% in New York City. Yes, the police have found the root of all crime in the city, and it’s the guys who run out on their corned beef sandwiches. Good job, guys !

Ghostbusters 3 is in full swing. Director Ivan Reitman has said that it may even be shot in 3D. The script is said to be in Bill Murray’s hands as we speak for his approval, and from the information we can gather - “It’s in the hole! “

Reading an article about bringing down some debt after the holidays, I noticed a reader actually ask the periodical - “is it true that it’s better to maintain a balance on a card rather then paying it off?” What ? You think keeping money on your card is better then paying off your balance ? That has got to be the biggest con job of all time. No, don’t pay off everything - why not ? - uh, it’s better to have some kind of balance with our bank. Really? …Uh, yea. Morons.

Paul's Daily Grind

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:49:39 -0500

NASA has just found a planet outside of our solar system. They named it Kepler-10b. It measures about 1.4 times the Earth’s diameter, and they said it could have held water and life forms, if it wasn’t so close to it’s star. Still, NASA is hopeful it could reveal some other answers, like - is this where the Transformers really came from.

Hollywood legend Michael Douglas has announced that he has finally beaten cancer, until someone told him it wasn’t cancer, it was just Shea LeBeouf. Apparently this kid gets on everyone’s nerves.

A male model has been charged with second degree murder in the killing of a Portuguese journalist in a Manhattan hotel. When asked if he did it, the model replied that he was hot. When asked again, he replied that he was not only hot, but good looking as well.

The Journal of Cosmology has published an article about a privately funded one-way mission to mars, and asked it’s readers for volunteers. More then 400 people signed on for the one way journey, agreeing to be Mars Colonists. When asked why they would do it they responded - “Oprah. We are just sick and tired of seeing Oprah everywhere. We can’t get away from her, and maybe Mars is the only place.” Good luck and Bon Voyage !!